Roonaldo
Geoff Thomas
Newcastle are often described as ‘everyone’s second favourite’ team. When Kevin Keegan’s attack-minded team were credible challengers to the evil Manchester United empire, who could fail to admire them?
How times have moved on.
The failing club from the sportsdirect.com stadium of today is an object of ridicule, their fans can only be mocked for their delusions of grandeur following their slide into Division Two and their style of football is effective, yet terribly dull.
Great night out and all that, but as we're about to whopp their 'never won f*** all' asses this evening, here six good reasons not to like them:
1) Geordie tears
In short, we’re sick of the weeping. The close-up of the sobbing fat Geordie has become one of the iconic images in the modern game. Newcastle fans patented the weeping-fan genre as Keegan’s team blew the title in 1996. Within seconds of the final whistle sounding at Villa Park when they went down, the camera picked out a Newcastle fan crying shamelessly. G.E.T. A. B.L.O.O.D.Y. G.R.I.P.
That said, there’ll no better sight than seeing a few fat, topless Geordies crying tonight, as the magnificant Trickies mock: ‘Crying on the telly, we saw you crying on the telly’.
2) Massive club syndrome
Stick a microphone in front of any randomly selected gaggle of barcodes and I guarantee that they will tell you, with no trace of irony, that Newcastle are a ‘massive club’. Geordies believe that Newcastle’s rightful place is at the top of the Premiership.
Despite decades of underachievement – their last domestic trophy was in 1955 – the delusion that Newcastle belong amongst the elite still persists. It was perfectly expressed by David Ginola, who said: ‘It would be a disaster for the city if Newcastle went down. But it would be a disaster for the Premier League as well. The English game would suffer.’
Well, I’ll concede relegation might have been a disaster for Newcastle. But a disaster for the Premier League? I don’t think so. Their crap brand of football certainly hasn't be missed. Like Leeds, the rest barely know they're missing. Thing is Newcastle, you're a very average club tucked away in the far reaches of England that isn't known beyond these shores for the simple fact that you're not, and never have been, a big club.
No one actually cares about you.
3) Geordie Messiahs
One of the most pathetic spectacles in football is that of thousands of Geordies gathering at the gates of St James’ Park proclaiming their latest Messiah. What is it with Geordies and Messiahs? First they put their faith in Keegan, an inspirational manager but a tactical dunce. Keegan quit in 1997 saying that he couldn’t take the club any further. Quitting isn’t exactly one the characteristics you’d look for in a prospective Messiah, but Newcastle never stopped believing in King Kev.
Bobby Robson was hailed as a saviour when he took the job in 1999 but he joined the ranks of unemployed Messiahs in 2004.
Keegan’s Second Coming in January 2008 was greeted with delirium on Tyneside and widespread bewilderment everywhere else. The Newcastle fans still had faith in a man who three months earlier had said he was ‘finished’ with management and hardly watched any matches. Inevitably, Keegan walked out on the club in September 2008.
As relegation loomed chairman Mike Ashley played his final Messiah card by hiring Alan Shearer. Cue delirium on Tyneside again. f anyone could save the Toon from the drop then Wor Alan was the man to do it. Admittedly he had no managerial experience whatsoever but why should that be an obstacle? Shearer started fining players for turning up late for training – a sure sign of how far the rot had set in – but he couldn’t perform miracles.
Newcastle listen up - There is only one messiah. He died 20 September 2004, and he bloody well hated you lot.
4) Self-styled ‘best supporters’ in the land
Newcastle fans are often described as the ‘best supporters’ in the country, and most of them believe this nonsense. They point to the 50,000 paying punters who turn up at the sportsdirect.com stadium every week, despite the fact that the Toon have won bugger all trophies for decades. That shows just how passionate and committed their fans are, right?
Wrong.
Newcastle’s support is nothing to sneeze at. It’s a huge one-club cesspit of a city so there’s no market competition. So they’ve not won any trophies for years – so what? The Championship is full of clubs who have won sod all for years. Unlike Newcastle, they haven’t had the pulling power of Premiership football to put bums on seats. Prior to getting yourselves back into the top flight in the early 90's, your support was appauling. I remember you averaging 16000 in the early nineties. This at a time when post-World Cup fever had spread across the nation, so don't give me any crap about recessions and hooliganism.
For a one-club city that size, with regular Premierhsip football, of course you're going to get big crowds. It would be very interesting to see how many would still stay around if you endured what we have over the last ten years.
5) Geordie Nation
It was former Newcastle chairman Sir John Hall who popularised the myth that Geordies were a nation apart. ‘The Geordie nation – that’s what we’re fighting for’, Hall once said. ‘London’s the enemy. The South East’s the enemy.’
Hall’s phoney North-East nationalism finds contemporary expression in the belief that Newcastle United should be managed by someone who understands the inscrutable ways of the Geordie. ‘You listen to the phone-ins and people talking about it. They’re people who don’t understand this place, they don’t understand the Geordies. I do’, said Kevin Keegan. ‘This is my third time here, my dad was a Geordie, so I understand them and I know what they want.’
The idea that Geordie culture is incomprehensible to outsiders was bluntly expressed in the ‘Cockney Mafia Out’ banner unfurled at the sportsdirect.com stadium. Another banner read: ‘YIZ DIVINNT KNAA NOWT ABOUT GEORDIES, ITS WOR CLUB, LERRIT GAN, NIVVA RETORN. GORRIT.’
Or, as they say in German: Ausländer Raus.
The thing is, there’s no great mystery to Newcastle’s decline. It’s nothing to do with the failure to understand the Geordies, and your arrogant belief in having your own nation. You'd be f**ked if you didn't get your welfare state handouts from the rest of us, so just drop it hey?
It’s simply down to bad management and underperforming players. End of.
6) Pitch invasions
6 March 1974
Bastards.
How times have moved on.
The failing club from the sportsdirect.com stadium of today is an object of ridicule, their fans can only be mocked for their delusions of grandeur following their slide into Division Two and their style of football is effective, yet terribly dull.
Great night out and all that, but as we're about to whopp their 'never won f*** all' asses this evening, here six good reasons not to like them:
1) Geordie tears
In short, we’re sick of the weeping. The close-up of the sobbing fat Geordie has become one of the iconic images in the modern game. Newcastle fans patented the weeping-fan genre as Keegan’s team blew the title in 1996. Within seconds of the final whistle sounding at Villa Park when they went down, the camera picked out a Newcastle fan crying shamelessly. G.E.T. A. B.L.O.O.D.Y. G.R.I.P.
That said, there’ll no better sight than seeing a few fat, topless Geordies crying tonight, as the magnificant Trickies mock: ‘Crying on the telly, we saw you crying on the telly’.
2) Massive club syndrome
Stick a microphone in front of any randomly selected gaggle of barcodes and I guarantee that they will tell you, with no trace of irony, that Newcastle are a ‘massive club’. Geordies believe that Newcastle’s rightful place is at the top of the Premiership.
Despite decades of underachievement – their last domestic trophy was in 1955 – the delusion that Newcastle belong amongst the elite still persists. It was perfectly expressed by David Ginola, who said: ‘It would be a disaster for the city if Newcastle went down. But it would be a disaster for the Premier League as well. The English game would suffer.’
Well, I’ll concede relegation might have been a disaster for Newcastle. But a disaster for the Premier League? I don’t think so. Their crap brand of football certainly hasn't be missed. Like Leeds, the rest barely know they're missing. Thing is Newcastle, you're a very average club tucked away in the far reaches of England that isn't known beyond these shores for the simple fact that you're not, and never have been, a big club.
No one actually cares about you.
3) Geordie Messiahs
One of the most pathetic spectacles in football is that of thousands of Geordies gathering at the gates of St James’ Park proclaiming their latest Messiah. What is it with Geordies and Messiahs? First they put their faith in Keegan, an inspirational manager but a tactical dunce. Keegan quit in 1997 saying that he couldn’t take the club any further. Quitting isn’t exactly one the characteristics you’d look for in a prospective Messiah, but Newcastle never stopped believing in King Kev.
Bobby Robson was hailed as a saviour when he took the job in 1999 but he joined the ranks of unemployed Messiahs in 2004.
Keegan’s Second Coming in January 2008 was greeted with delirium on Tyneside and widespread bewilderment everywhere else. The Newcastle fans still had faith in a man who three months earlier had said he was ‘finished’ with management and hardly watched any matches. Inevitably, Keegan walked out on the club in September 2008.
As relegation loomed chairman Mike Ashley played his final Messiah card by hiring Alan Shearer. Cue delirium on Tyneside again. f anyone could save the Toon from the drop then Wor Alan was the man to do it. Admittedly he had no managerial experience whatsoever but why should that be an obstacle? Shearer started fining players for turning up late for training – a sure sign of how far the rot had set in – but he couldn’t perform miracles.
Newcastle listen up - There is only one messiah. He died 20 September 2004, and he bloody well hated you lot.
4) Self-styled ‘best supporters’ in the land
Newcastle fans are often described as the ‘best supporters’ in the country, and most of them believe this nonsense. They point to the 50,000 paying punters who turn up at the sportsdirect.com stadium every week, despite the fact that the Toon have won bugger all trophies for decades. That shows just how passionate and committed their fans are, right?
Wrong.
Newcastle’s support is nothing to sneeze at. It’s a huge one-club cesspit of a city so there’s no market competition. So they’ve not won any trophies for years – so what? The Championship is full of clubs who have won sod all for years. Unlike Newcastle, they haven’t had the pulling power of Premiership football to put bums on seats. Prior to getting yourselves back into the top flight in the early 90's, your support was appauling. I remember you averaging 16000 in the early nineties. This at a time when post-World Cup fever had spread across the nation, so don't give me any crap about recessions and hooliganism.
For a one-club city that size, with regular Premierhsip football, of course you're going to get big crowds. It would be very interesting to see how many would still stay around if you endured what we have over the last ten years.
5) Geordie Nation
It was former Newcastle chairman Sir John Hall who popularised the myth that Geordies were a nation apart. ‘The Geordie nation – that’s what we’re fighting for’, Hall once said. ‘London’s the enemy. The South East’s the enemy.’
Hall’s phoney North-East nationalism finds contemporary expression in the belief that Newcastle United should be managed by someone who understands the inscrutable ways of the Geordie. ‘You listen to the phone-ins and people talking about it. They’re people who don’t understand this place, they don’t understand the Geordies. I do’, said Kevin Keegan. ‘This is my third time here, my dad was a Geordie, so I understand them and I know what they want.’
The idea that Geordie culture is incomprehensible to outsiders was bluntly expressed in the ‘Cockney Mafia Out’ banner unfurled at the sportsdirect.com stadium. Another banner read: ‘YIZ DIVINNT KNAA NOWT ABOUT GEORDIES, ITS WOR CLUB, LERRIT GAN, NIVVA RETORN. GORRIT.’
Or, as they say in German: Ausländer Raus.
The thing is, there’s no great mystery to Newcastle’s decline. It’s nothing to do with the failure to understand the Geordies, and your arrogant belief in having your own nation. You'd be f**ked if you didn't get your welfare state handouts from the rest of us, so just drop it hey?
It’s simply down to bad management and underperforming players. End of.
6) Pitch invasions
6 March 1974
Bastards.
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