Some very bad jokes ...

[deleted]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '

'No, because he's really heavy'

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'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'

'Well you can't say fairer than that then'

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So I went to the dentist.

He said 'Say Aaah.'

I said 'Why?'

He said 'My dog's died.'

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So I rang up my local swimming baths.

I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.

And the dentist said to me 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

That was nice.

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A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.

It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

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Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

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[krakk]

nice, i'm stealing these

[Fatb]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '

'No, because he's really heavy'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

So I went to the dentist.

He said 'Say Aaah.'

I said 'Why?'

He said 'My dog's died.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

So I rang up my local swimming baths.

I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.

And the dentist said to me 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

That was nice.

actually lol at work, very embarrassing

[dellaroc]

Tommy Cooper = genius.

[Jonno]

Snail goes into a bar and orders a pint.

Barman says "We don't serve snails" and picks the little fella up and puts him on the pavement outside.

About a year later, the same snail enters the bar and shouts to the barman "Hey, what did you do the that for?"

[Daniel]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a ni ce view. It had to
be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
near anyone else.


One day her 'little' sister called and asked me tocome over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'


And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

[redforevermj]

what does lethal bizzle put in his car?

dizzle

[nffc4eva-danny]

thees arnt funy they dont make an sense.

[SmashHits]

A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

lol

[uredsuns]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman "can I have a loaf of bread?".
The barman replies "This is a pub we dont sell bread"
So the duck leaves.
The follwing day the duck returns and says "can I have a loaf of bread?".
The barman again says "This is a pub we dont sell bread"
So again the duck leaves
But sure enough the duck agian returns the next day and asks "can I have a loaf of bread?".
The barman is getting quite wound up by the duck and says " Look I've told you twice this is a pub we dont sell bread.
If you come back again and ask if we sell bread Ill nail your beak to the bar"
So again the duck leaves
But yet again the duck returns the next day and asks the barman "You got any nails?"
The barman looking irate says "No we havent got any nails!"
"Good " replies the duck "can I have a loaf of bread?".

[smithy]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman "can I have a loaf of bread?".
The barman replies "This is a pub we dont sell bread"
So the duck leaves.
The follwing day the duck returns and says "can I have a loaf of bread?".
The barman again says "This is a pub we dont sell bread"
So again the duck leaves
But sure enough the duck agian returns the next day and asks "can I have a loaf of bread?".
The barman is getting quite wound up by the duck and says " Look I've told you twice this is a pub we dont sell bread.
If you come back again and ask if we sell bread Ill nail your beak to the bar"
So again the duck leaves
But yet again the duck returns the next day and asks the barman "You got any nails?"
The barman looking irate says "No we havent got any nails!"
"Good " replies the duck "can I have a loaf of bread?".

[Spring Heeled Jack]

thees arnt funy they dont make an sense.

The irony of you with your fantastic grip of the English language telling us that something "dont make an sense" is hugely amusing in itself!

[Monk De Wally De Honk]

Man walks into a doctors with a steering wheel trapped in his trouser fly
'good god, is it painful' asked the doctor

'not really painful, but it is driving me nuts'

[uredsuns]

Two Blondes walk into a bar youd have thought one have them would have seen it.

[Monk De Wally De Honk]

Man walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre
so the barman gave him one

[Jmarri]

what does lethal bizzle put in his car?

dizzle

Never mind the Buzzocks Copyright

[redforevermj]

Never mind the Buzzocks Copyright*

Just got it in a text of my mate il be having words seeing that he said he made it up

[chap]

3 men are lost in the Amazon, and they get ambushed by cannibals.

The cannibal king says to them:

"If you each go into the forest and gather 10 pieces of fruit and bring them back here, we'll take you back to safety"

The men, thinking this a fair deal go out into the jungle.

The first man returns with 10 apples. The king elaborates the deal...

"If you can put those 10 pieces of fruit up your arse without flinching, we'll take you back to safety"

The man, without much choice, gives it a shot. He gets one in, but flinches on the second and is killed and cooked.

The second man returns with 10 berries. When he hears the king's requirements, he thinks that he's got off lightly. In he pops the 1st, quickly followed by the 2nd,3rd and 4th and all the way up to his 9th berry, but as he prepares to insert the 10th, he looks up and bursts out laughing. He is killed and eaten.

In heaven the first man says to the second:

"What the hell?! You were so close to being able to get back home! Why did you laugh?"

And he replied;

"I couldn't help it; I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples"





That joke took ages to write and isn't even that good. Oh well. It's the only one I remember quickly.

[Fatb]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a ni ce view. It had to
be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
near anyone else.


One day her 'little' sister called and asked me tocome over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'


And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

paddy mcguiness stand up

[eljoey]

3 men are lost in the Amazon, and they get ambushed by cannibals.

The cannibal king says to them:

"If you each go into the forest and gather 10 pieces of fruit and bring them back here, we'll take you back to safety"

The men, thinking this a fair deal go out into the jungle.

The first man returns with 10 apples. The king elaborates the deal...

"If you can put* those 10 pieces of fruit up your arse without flinching, we'll take you back to safety"

The man, without much choice, gives it a shot. He gets one in, but flinches on the second and is killed and cooked.

The second man returns with 10 berries. When he hears the king's requirements, he thinks that he's got off lightly. In he pops the 1st, quickly followed by the 2nd,3rd and 4th and all the way up to his 9th berry, but as he prepares to insert the 10th, he looks up and bursts out laughing. He is killed and eaten.

In heaven the first man says to the second:

"What the hell?! You were so close to being able to get back home! Why did you laugh?"

And he replied;

"I couldn't help it; I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples"



That joke took ages to write and isn't even that good. Oh well. It's the only one I remember quickly.

lol genius

[henrygibson]

Yeah it's good. made me laugh anyway.

[Jonathan]

Told a shocking one last night.

We were watching Indiana Jones and I was trying to explain to my girlfriend's little brother what a Zeppelin was...

"The Zeppelin was supposed to be the next big thing in transport but it never took off."

I was quite disgusted with myself!

[zigga-zagga]

THE DIARY OF ALICE FRITZL

Monday - stayed in, got raped by dad

Tuesday- stayed in, got raped by dad

Wednesday- stayed in, got raped by dad

Thursday- stayed in, got raped by dad

Friday- stayed in, got raped by dad





Saturday - went to see Derby, wish I'd stayed in.

[redforevermj]

2 jews walk into a leicester city ticket office and ask for season tickets.
The lady behind the counter asks "are you circumcised?"
the jews reply "yes" the woman says " sorry, you have to be a complete prick to be a leicester fan!!"

2 parrots sitting on a perch, one of them says can you smell fish?

[Walv]

Paddy says to murphy "im on holiday next week do you want me to pick you some fags up?"
"yes 400 please" replies murphy
after a week Pady returns, "how much do i owe Paddy?" "£75.50" Paddy replies
"be jesus how come its that much?" says murphy, paddy replies "i went to skegness!"