THE RANT THREAD

[smithy]

burger kings are crap anyway!

[LTLF Sponsors]

[T.B.T.]

You kicked the cat yet?

I wouldn't seriously do that.

Someone somewhere will feel the wrath of my tongue.

[smithy]

that in a good or bad way?

[Spring Heeled Jack]

What the hell. Even the British actor is speaking in a terrible American accent. I saw Jason Statham and thought that he may be the film's saving grace but was sadly mistaken.

Since when has been any films saving grace!? 90% of his films are Guy Ritchie films, and let's face it, Jesus couldn't even save them from being shite.

[chap]

I quite liked Lock Stock and Snatch.

[LOOMIS]

Since when has been any films saving grace!?* 90% of his films are Guy Ritchie films, and let's face it, Jesus couldn't even save them from being s**te.

Carry On Camping. * Now there's a classic. *I'm watching it now after my sixth pint of Gin & Harpic.

What a film!! * It just gets funnier and funnier. *OOOH...... *Barbara Windsor has just lost her bra. * Bloody hilarious.

[zicorice]

I wouldn't seriously do that.

Someone somewhere will feel the wrath of my tongue.* *

That was me then!!!! Glad to be of service!

[chap]

I quite liked Lock Stock and Snatch.

...and Revolver was alright.

[Spring Heeled Jack]

I quite liked Lock Stock and Snatch.*

But they're the same film! Guy Ritchie has the imagination of a writer from Hollyoaks. None.

[Spring Heeled Jack]

I want to rant about the woman who does the commercials for availablecar.com

She shouts for no apparent reason, she doesn't pause for breath when shouthing and thus always sounds as though she's having an asthma attack, she wears the same fucking shirt on every different commercial, she sits on some of the cars which is stupis and she's basically a pain in the arse.

Rant over.

[Baronvon]

I want to rant about the woman who does the commercials for availablecar.com

She shouts for no apparent reason, she doesn't pause for breath when shouthing and thus always sounds as though she's having an asthma attack, she wears the same fucking shirt on every different commercial, she sits on some of the cars which is stupis and she's basically a pain in the arse.

Rant over.

With regards shit adverts nothing can beat the picture it adverts. I mean as it speaks volumes about the monotony of the character's lives when they've got nothing better to do than to video their husband ringing up for a loan.

Mind you the Sheila's Wheels adverts run it close...I'm no expert but I highly doubt that your gender dictates whether you're a safe driver or not. It might have some small, near insignificant bearing (though perhaps not) but not enough to warrant a smug, self content advert where it croons on about women being safer drivers.

Those things shouldn't bug me but they do.

[Spring Heeled Jack]

With regards s**t adverts nothing can beat the picture it adverts. I mean as it speaks volumes about the monotony of the character's lives when they've got nothing better to do than to video their husband ringing up for a loan.

Mind you the Sheila's Wheels adverts run it close...I'm no expert but I highly doubt that your gender dictates whether you're a safe driver or not. It might have some small, near insignificant bearing (though perhaps not) but not enough to warrant a smug, self content advert where it croons on about women being safer drivers.

Those things shouldn't bug me but they do.

Yes they should sir, because they are a load of self-satisfied feminist wank!

The picture adverts are indeed annoying also, they try so hard to not appear patronising to their hoards of gullible, brainless 'customers' that they in fact go in the opposit direction, making everyone who has ever borrowed money or even considered it look like an absolute retard.

[Baronvon]

Also neglected to mention the Injury Lawyers for you adverts.

I mean what are they all about? They started out with a simple bloke doing a lie detector test (which for the record aren't reliable thus rendering the supposed demonstration of honesty invalid) in some room...but later adverts decided that a simple setting wasn't enough and proceeded to switch between random dystopian locations where the 'employee' was being ruthlessly questioned by some big shot lawyer. I don't know about anyone else but even though the advert was aimed to give the illusion of 100% honesty and perfection it made them look about as trustworthy as a tramp guarding sacks of cash. The way he says "yes...absolutely" wasn't exactly convincing.

In fact I hate all these adverts demanding that you claim compensation for the slightest little mishap, it just promotes the whole golddigging mentality which is currently being etched on society.

[Spring Heeled Jack]

Yes, 'Injury Lawyers For You' are a hateful bunch. *They come across as liars, and not even very convincing liars at that. *If someone had a serious claim to compensation, they would have a serious lawyer, not this bunch of tin-pot wasters. *You wouldn't trust them to keep a rabbit alive with lettuce. *Their adverts, much like Picture, try too hard to be taken seriously or appear genuine, and end up looking stupid. *Much like the people who use them.

[Baronvon]

Not to mention they unleash a plague of minions on the streets to constantly pester you about your health history and urging you to make a claim. One woman followed me around for about two minutes trying to find the a valid mishap from my lifetime...in the end I just walked off.

I should have sued her for ruining my free time.

[Spring Heeled Jack]

Not to mention they unleash a plague of minions on the streets to constantly pester you about your health history and urging you to make a claim. One woman followed me around for about two minutes trying to find the a valid mishap from my lifetime...in the end I just walked off.

I should have sued her for ruining my free time.

Oddly enough those sort of people, and their appear to be thousands of the bastards on the streets of Beeston these days, NEVER bother me. They take one look at me and cast their eyes downwards to the floor like they've just woken in hell and looked upon Satan. Either I am one ugly sonofabitch or I strike the fear of God into them with the sort of look that says: "Approach me and I'll throw you through the nearest window and slaughter your children."
Either way, I'm happy.

[Spring Heeled Jack]

You know what really p**ses me off!?* s**t parents!

It seems to me that these days everyone* is too much of a pussy to discipline their children through smacking?* Why are parents afraid to hit their kids?* Government intereference, that's why!!!
When I was a kid and I misbehaved, my parents disciplined me with force, it taught me right and wrong and I will forever be grateful to them for that.
We didn't have one of those bulls**t conversations about it. There was none of that "time out" s**te either.
What do parents do these days?* Send their lousy excuse of a child to his room and make him play computer games and all day? Nice one dumbass, why don't you take him to one of those bulls**tty 'Child Psychiatrists' or 'Child Therapists' while you're at it so she (and I bet they are always a 'she') can pull some disorder out of her ass to hide the fact that you're a bad parent?

One smack to a child and that's it, Social Services and the do-gooder brigade are out in force, all fake smiles and bullshit, ready to take you kid into care. Parents are afraid, discipline in kids is decreasing all the time and as a result of that, crime and general disorder will increase with the passing of every generation.

Shit parents mean a shit future.

[Spring Heeled Jack]

Jordan.

Here is someone who really pisses me off. Why is she in existence? What purpose does she serve? She has never done anything of any note other than get her vile looking tits out in some shitty newspaper or bullshit lads mag. Oh yeah, she went on some crap reality show where she met some Aussie dumbass and forged a whole new definition of herself using a sham relatonship that is controlled by the editors of OK, Heat and Hello!

Picture the scene, you have someone lieing in a vegitated state in a hospital bed, their very existence is painful yet they are in a coma. They are deteriorating fast but ultimately not dieing. The doctors give you the humane option, do you wish to pull the plug?
Some may say 'no.'

Now imaging that the person hooked up to the life support machine is Jordan, the machine itself is OK magazine and they have the option to withdraw all publicity and let her die in dignity, far from the public gaze.
Suddenly pulling the plug seems like a great idea doesn't it.

Of course the editors of these shitty magazines will never abandon Jordan, her fake husband and her rancid children because all over the country there are stupid, mindless women who feel they have to give two shits about Jordan because:

a) Their own lives are pointless and vapid

and

b) OK magazine told them to.

This really pisses me off.

Rant over.

[Spring Heeled Jack]

Fuckin' Harry Potter books are a load of contemptable shite as well.

So many people, usually a load of kooky nerdesque scumbags, rave about this series of literacy bowel movements, and why!? They're garbage!
The twisted writings of a demented old haridan who gets her jollys from a notion that should have stopped being exciting to her a couple of decades ago. But look at her now, one of the richest women in the world, undoubtedly sunning herself on some beach somewhere laughing at all the saps that bought her stupid books and sent her there.

Don't get me started on the films! Utter wank.

Rant over.

[Flagman]

I got stopped by 'Where there's Blame there's a Claim' or some such bunch of wankers in the OMSq the other month.

"Excuse me, sir," he said, "...but have you had an accident recently?!"

"Yes, " I lied, "I got hurt chasing an ambulance, you bunch of shysters. Get a proper job."

****************
The new 'Italian Job' should have been banned by the Trading Standards people. It is neither set in Italy, nor is it anything like the iconic "The Italian Job". Bastards.

****************

Don't even get me started on Forest right now....

[forest212]

Spring Heeled Jack......... reading your rants actuallly made me laugh. Were they supposed to? And i actually agree with everything you said!

[Lee]

Can never make everyone happy.

Always someone is pissed off with you about something.

[Spring Heeled Jack]

Spring Heeled Jack......... reading your rants actuallly made me laugh. Were they supposed to? And i actually agree with everything you said!

I don't know if they were supposed to make folk laugh, but it makes me happy that they did.

[Lee]

This computer is well and truly bollocksed.

Parents have fucked with my spybot settings and its gone haywire.

Why can't old fuckers leave stuff they don't know ALONE.

My car is a bag of steaming horseshit. Everything is fucking crap on it now.

It used to be funny, but its not even remotely anymore.

I could rant all week!

[Spring Heeled Jack]

Ok, so are we all agreed that the X Factor and other such 'talent' shows are wank? Yes? Good.

Thanks to one of these particularly hateful car crashes of TV programming, we in this country have lost one of our best traditions, the Christmas Number 1.
Gone are the days when Sir Cliff Richard could dust down his microphone and have a crack at taking the number one spot, gone are the days when decent bands would focus on getting out their best material and giving us a classic tune for the annals of time.

No, instead we have to endure shit like Leona Lewis' 2006 epic: "A Moment Like This."
What a load of shit! A moment of this shitty song is all I could endure and
that made me want to turn to drink. In two years nobody is going to remember Leona Lewis and why?
Because she is fucking manufactured shite that will be replaced by the same bullshit television shows the next year, the year after and the year after that.

Let us not forget 2005's quality offering also! Shayne Ward's "That's My Goal."
What's your goal Shayne? To have one single thrust upon the public, a shit album that everyone hates and subsequent dissapearence into the musical wasteland where you belong? Congratulations Dumbass, goal achieved.

And who's 2007 festive period wasn't brightened by that creepy little bastard Leon? Well, mine for a start.
His festering turd of an offering was "When You Believe."
Well I tell you what Leon, I believe you're talentless wank and in a year you'll be flipping
burgers with Gareth Gates, Will Young and that Michelle McManus bird.

Congratulations guys. You're all shit!

Rant over.